Grief and compassion

Tuesday evening, we had dinner with Kevin at House of Blues in Cleveland. Then we took him back to his hotel and said goodbye.

There should be more ceremony when your child moves out. It was so anti-climactic. I think humans aren't meant to live in this society. It probably made a lot more sense when there was a big wedding celebration and then your child moved to another house in the same village.

This is hard. It's so much harder than I expected it to be. People talk about moms having trouble with the "empty nest." Society needs to have more compassion for moms. I was never compassionate toward those women. "They just need to have a life apart from their children," I said arrogantly, with a complete lack of understanding.

It's like getting a divorce from someone you still love and don't want to be divorced from. Mr. MC said it's like losing an arm. For 21 years this person has been one of the most important people in my life and I've been one of the most important people in his life. Now he's off to build a whole other life that doesn't include me except in the most peripheral sense.

I can't describe the grief, the loss. I thought I would feel sad, relieved, and guilty for feeling relieved. I don't feel any of that. Just overwhelming, crippling grief. I officially apologize to every mother for my lack of compassion.

I survived

I wasn't sure I'd survive this week, but I did. Yay! I had my last class today, one final exam and my English final paper due. Got it all done. Next week is still crazy, one huge and one smallish paper and a final exam. So I'm still busy and won't have much time for posting for a few more days. But at least this week is over. I can see a teeny bit of daylight.

Edited to add: Oh! I added a music playlist to my blog. You'll have to press the play button if you want to hear some of my favorite Christmas music.